The First Year

Last year at this time I was puffy eyed.
This morning last year I finally got two hours of sleep.
At 1:23 am last year I was awoken by my work pager going off.
I was paged because my phone was on low and I did not hear it ringing.
Around 1:28 I spoke with a friend in EMS (she also works for the local funeral home) who was at my dad's apartment.
She told me that my dad had passed away.
I knew when I called my supervisor at work after being paged and he had me call her why I was calling.
I remember talking to my dad's girlfriend. I told her if she needed anything to call me, but I had to work that night.
What was I thinking?
When I called my mom right after that she told me I was not going to work that night.
I sat on my couch for a couple hours just crying.
I went back into the bedroom and tried to sleep.
I slept for a couple hours.
A family friend had me come to her house for breakfast so I was not alone. (Tim had to go to work)
I went Christmas shopping with my in-laws to keep busy and mostly because I did not want to be alone.
My dad did not know I was pregnant. We told family on Christmas.
Once a month or so I will hear a song or I will be driving and think of my dad. I tear up and wish he had gotten a chance to meet his grandson.
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I had a rough end of 2011.
My paternal grandfather passed away around Halloween 2011, my dad passed away on December 22nd, and my maternal grandfather passed on December 26th.

The last few years I was not close with my dad, but in years past Christmas meant going to his house in the morning to have a delicious breakfast and have our Christmas with him. My mom liked to sleep in, so after I got my license my brother and I would go to our dad's around six on Christmas morning. I looked forward to the breakfast of fired eggs, french toast, bacon, & toast. This is a breakfast he would make us on any given weekend, but Christmas was different. I do not know how to describe it, but it just was.

This is my favorite time of year, but there seems to be a cloud over it now. I will not get over it, but I will learn to live with it.  - "One gets over a watch. You never get over a loved one." - Ziva NCIS